By Dianne Hughes

A free flowing game of Monopoly, where players come and go as time and activities permit, is fast becoming an Astrofest tradition. I was lucky enough to be a spectator at the most recent game (on Astrofest Friday) as we waited for cloud to clear. I was, initially, invited to play but I refused on moral grounds, that is, I don’t believe in blood sports. I was then offered the “safe” position of Banker but my keen sense of self-preservation came into play (thankfully) when I saw the gleams in the eyes and the saliva on the chins of the invitation givers. “Oh, no” I said, “I can’t even balance my cheque book” but inside I thought, “They’ll have to find some other bunny to take that on!”

Well, as we all know, there’s one born every minute and so it proved to be when I finally took my seat at the table. On reflection, it is stretching the imagination somewhat to describe what took place as a game and to use the term “player” which implies a certain honesty and sportsmanship (hopefully) is vastly overstating what I observed. I think the majority of participants could, more accurately, be described as cheats, charlatans, frauds, swindlers, knaves, cads, bounders or conspirators (hereinafter described as Con.). Let me set the scene for you:

Con.1: Peter ‘I may work with plants but I’m no veg’ Frankland (SEQAS)

Con.2: Sue “My friend!” Koenig (SAS)

Con.3: Brendan ‘Pixel Features’ Downs (SAS/BAS)

Con.4: Chris “I’ve never played with these rules before” Dobe (SAS)

Con.5: Geordie ‘Take the EQ out of SEQAS and you get SAS’ Brownlie (SEQAS)

Con.6: Michael ‘Brandy Alexander’ Horn (SAS/SEQAS)

Bunny: Zac “Who’s got my dinosaur?” Pujic (SAS)

(I apologise if I have attributed incorrect society membership to anyone)

The pace of the game was fast and furious. The counters were varied and included: a dinosaur, a small glass aerosol bottle, the clear plastic lid of the small glass aerosol bottle (euphemistically referred to as “The Tardis” by its fond yet demented owner), and a cap from a beer bottle.

I had not watched for very long when it became obvious that the sole intention of Cons.1-6 was to fleece the Bunny of the entire contents of the Bank. I must congratulate them too, on how well they were doing. Their tactics were effective and not at all subtle. Con.1 would distract the Bunny from the left (using a variety of methods ranging from overtly sexual advances (always instantly rebuffed) through to verbal attacks) while Con.6 would plunder money, houses, Chance and Community Chest cards from the Bunny’s right. While that was occurring, Cons.2-5 were swapping places on the board, nicking the dinosaur (the game’s most prized trophy), bartering their ill-gotten gains and convincing the Bunny that they had indeed gone past Go and should collect $200 even if it was for the second time that round!

The property portfolios of Cons.1-6 grew at a rate which would cause the REIQ to swoon. Our Bunny managed to purchase one property “Marlborough Street”. I’m not sure if he noticed that, through the entire duration of the game, not one Con. landed on his property. The Cons. creative counting and dice throwing was a wonder to behold. The Bunny continued landing on everybody else’s properties obediently paying up but never collecting $200 cos he seldom got past Go, and still the Dinosaur would be held hostage and only returned after threats of property seizure or monetary disadvantage. On one occasion when houses were seized from Con.6’s properties he (Con.6) calmly reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of replacement houses!!

The Bunny’s smartest move was to hire the services of a financial adviser. This person was not only stunningly attractive but had great business acumen too. Pity he didn’t hire me sooner! His cry of “Am I the only person playing this game honestly?” was heart-wrenching. Feeble, but heart-wrenching! Part way through the game, Con.2 was replaced by Con.2.5, Gary ‘I’m going to hurt my knee while playing soccer in the dark a couple of hours from now’ Gawronski. Cons.2.5 and 4 were far too honest for their own good but they certainly were prepared to stick it to the big guys when they could.

So, I hear you asking, who won? Well, it’s hard to say. Con.3 certainly had the most money and property, but he had lied, cheated and deceived his fellow Cons (even down to nicking money and property before the game started! Gasp!!) and showed about as much remorse as Richard Nixon when he was impeached. Cons1 and 6 certainly deserve the ‘Fred and Ginger’ prize as best double act. The Bunny deserves the win on purely moral grounds and Con.2 must get the ‘Sisters are doing it for themselves’ award for holding her own amongst all that testosterone.

Roll on Astrofest 1997; I can’t wait to see what unfolds during the next game.

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